flatulence malfunctions.

What's up ya'll? Sorry about not posting frequently, but life gets busy and episodes occur. Well, lettuce get to the point shall we. So we all know that dreaded, anxious feeling. It always decides to appear at the least convenient times without fail. The "Terrorizing Toots". They're the most dreaded creature of all. When they resolve to make their appearance, it almost always is quite dramatic. There's no holding them back. Sometimes their "dramatic entrance" includes the uproar of a F/A-18 Super Hornet fighter jet dropping a nuclear bomb directly onto the surface of the earth. Other times the "Terrorizing Toots" delight emerging in a silent but deadly way. In this course of action they silently army crawl through the barren fields, but then, suddenly...BANG! They all simultaneously hurl poisonous gas upon the enemy and destroy everything in their surroundings. As well as affecting all in this horrible way, many suffer from an incredibly serious disease called "The Car Tooties". The symptoms of 'The Car Tooties" are: releasing flatulence uncontrollably whilst riding in a car, smell that is even worse than a normal attack from the "Terrorizing Toots", and abdominal pain (as if there are many ants crawling around inside of you). If you suffer from any of these symptoms, you may have "The Car Tooties" and must seek immediate medical attention or they may result in loss of friends, irritation of others, pain, death, etc. Alright so now we've discussed the necessary topics. How do you assist in quieting, muting the smell, and not becoming humiliated because of the "Terrorizing Toots"? Well, this is the place for you! Here are some options to rescue yourself from mortification: blame it on the dog, blame it on the nearest volcano, blame it on the cat, blame it on the diesel semi across the street, blame it on the goldfish, blame it on your friend, blame it on a chair, blame it on the morbidly obese person five feet away from you (don't worry, there will be one; this is America), say "Oh that is a nasty waft of wind", blame it on the volcanoes that recently erupted in Hawaii, exclaim "Where is that foul odor coming from", blame it on the floor, surround yourself with people who look like farmers, ask "Is there an echo in here" and create the same noise with your mouth, compliment your friend on "their fart skills", let it out while someone else is bending over, etc. With these techniques you will never have to suffer the embarrassment of the "Terrorizing Toots" again! You're welcome!

xoxo,

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